Transformers: Dark of the Moon Review

So I am not proud of it, but I think I am about to pull a Kanye.  If you would, please imagine that I am black, incredibly cocky and standing next to Mike Myers recording a PSA.  Mike and I are having a good time doing good things for good causes, and then I open my mouth, “Michael Bay does not care about Transformers.”

Please, let me explain.  I think that Bay really likes making these movies.  I just think that the actual Transformers themselves are his least favorite part.  This movie is over two and a half hours long.  The Transformers themselves are on screen for maybe half of that.  Do not get me wrong, when they are on screen it is absolutely amazing.  I am pretty sure my eyes had orgasms while watching this film.  Several times throughout the movie I verbally said things such as “Holy shit!” and “Wow!” while watching what was going on.

 

You know what people really care about in this shot? Who is driving that black car?

For some reason, when Michael Bay goes to make a Transformers film, he makes Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) the main character.  I don’t understand this.  To me that is like making a GI Joe film from the point of view of those caught in the crossfire.  Or a Batman film with Alfred as the main character.  When you have such incredibly rich characters with decades of background informing their motivations, why would you focus on the sidekicks?

 

Maybe I am going about this the wrong way.  Let’s look at what Michael Bay really does like:

Women

When I say that Michael Bay likes women, I mean primarily that he likes to look at them and think about them as not much more than sex toys.  Throughout this entire movie, Sam’s new girlfriend is posing.  She is literally running from end of the world doom in high heels, fully made up and posing.  Rosie Huntington-Whitely is absolutely stunning.  Seeing her in 3D on a huge screen wearing nothing but a t-shirt could turn Perez Hilton straight.  But throughout the movie, she is nothing more than eye candy.

Cars

I am glad that the Transformers can disguise themselves as our automobiles.  I am glad that they chose to pick some of the most stunning cars out there.  But after the 47th shot of cars driving down a road, I think I am ready to see some robot on robot action.  They can move just as fast when they are in robot form as when they are in car form.  However, when they are in robot form they can also do little things like shoot guns, jump and dodge.  So why would you stay in car form if you are in a fire fight?  Because Michael Bay cares about cars.

Patriotism

I love America.  I love our troops.  I am incredibly thankful that they fight so that I don’t have to.  Does that really warrant scene after scene of military people walking together, or driving together, or flying together.  They are all looking forward, or up, or just plain old determined to protect America, for shot, after shot, after shot.

Splosions!!!

Cars blow up.  Buildings blow up.  Transformers blow up.  People blow up.  (It actually looks like all of the flesh blows off of their bones leaving perfect white skeletons behind.)  Spaceships blow up.  Planets blow up.  Boom!

After all of this though, Bay just does not seem to care about the Transformers.  They are only on screen for two reasons in this movie.  In order to explain something to advance the plot through exposition, or to destroy shit.  All of the story, all of the plot is on Sam Witwicky.

I should probably admit that Shia just seems like a massive douche bag to me.  So maybe if it was a different actor I would care less.  But how do you take a movie, title it Transformers and then make none of the Transformers be the main character?  They are sentient.  They have motives.  Why can’t they be the main focus?

I guess I would feel this way about a lot of movies coming out now.  Why did the Green Lantern mostly focus on when he wasn’t the Green Lantern?  Why did Thor mostly focus on the time when he had no Thor powers?  Why did Tron not focus on Tron?  Are movie directors wanting to make one movie, but they have to then put it in the context of a known entity so that the marketers can sell it to the public?  Or is it that they think we wont be able to connect with characters who are not humans?

Let's make our main characters as generic as possible!

 

Is this why we are getting movies based off of Battleship, Monopoly and Candy Land?  How many more Marvel, DC, toy, board game and old TV shows are going to be turned into movies that really don’t seem to care about the thing they are supposed to be about?

Hmm.  Well this review has turned into more of a rant with how ridiculous Hollywood is right now.  Why not make movies about the things they are titled after?  People go to these movies because they like those things.  I love Transformers.  They could literally remake the 1986 animated movie with today’s technology and I would be in heaven.  And the Transformers would be the main characters.

After all of this, I still highly recommend seeing this movie on as big of a screen as possible and in 3D.  Michael Bay is a master at making things look amazing.  So every single woman, car, soldier and robot is just amazing to look at.  Just don’t expect any of them to do anything that actually matters.  Turn off brain, turn on Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

Have you seen Transformers: Dark of the Moon?  What did you think about it?  Let us know in the comments below.

~Ryan Lynch

2 thoughts on “Transformers: Dark of the Moon Review

  1. Yes, yes, yes! Loved this review, buddy! Although there is one thing I would disagree with you on… I would pay good money for a Batman movie from Alfred’s perspective. I’m not saying EVERY Batman movie should be, but I would definitely see one. Also, I loved the Greendale “Human Beings” shoutout.

    xoxo,
    Jonny

  2. Fun to read and clever, as always! I’m not a Transformers fan per se, but I would love to see a Transformers movie that isn’t an American Culture Fashion Show. “Look at how sexy, powerful, and EXPLODING we are!” Transformers/Green Lantern/Thor are badass, and people don’t need to withhold them from us to make us appreciate their greatness (Unless, of course, they couldn’t think of anything original/good and in order to make a profit they built up a movie around scant material. Just a theory.)

    I don’t know how many times I’ve said: “They could literally remake…(insert awesome thing)…with today’s technology and I would be in heaven” with so many things. If only the true fans were the ones making the movies. :/

    And yes, an Alfred movie would be especially great if it starred Michael Cane. 🙂

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