The Thing Review

You might look at the title of this post and think, “Nice, Jonny Green wrote a new post!”  Well, I am sorry but I am the one who decided to write about this “film.”  You see, about two weeks ago Jonny Green was in good ol’ Des Moines, Iowa for our costume party.  He came in for the weekend and, let me tell you, we had a damn fine weekend and one hell of a costume party.

It all started Friday night.  The party was not until Saturday, so a group of our friends got together and decided to have a relaxed night before the big bash.  At one point, Jonny asks me, “So what are the plans for tomorrow?”  I told him that there really weren’t many because most things had been completed for the party, so we really had the day open.  He asked me if I wanted to go see The Thing.

I told Jonny that I didn’t really know.  I had read The Thing Reviews that basically called the film a giant steaming piece of crap that shit on everyone who liked good horror.  Several of these were written by people who’s reviews I take very seriously.  They also stated that they were huge fans of the original and that this was an abomination comparatively.  Basically, I was ducking and covering and hoping to protect myself from watching digital poo.  Jonny being the incredible individual that he is however, could not be stopped.

Saturday afternoon I found myself walking into a theater to watch The Thing.  Ten minutes in I knew there were issues.  Apparently,  the “actors” got their scripts right before they filmed each scene of this “film.”  There is no emotion, no connection and no feeling behind anything that anyone says.  Joel Fraking Edgerton is in this film, and even he could not save a single scene that he is in.  It would take a truly amazing team to do so.

The next problem is the “plot.”  I didn’t give two shits about a single character in The Thing.  No one had an understandable motivation.  Not one character did anything that made me care about them.  In fact, most of the characters made me quite happy when they died because I would no longer have to watch them do a bunch of shit I don’t even care about.

        Come on, this picture really doesn’t make any sense in the context at all.

But the worst offender of this film was the cgi.  Do you know how when you go back to movies that scared the crap out of you when you were a kid and you realize how horrible and fake they look now?  Well, that was the feeling I got watching every single shot of the Thing in The Thing.  Every time the Thing was on screen I felt like I was getting whacked in the head with a hammer.

The Thing sucked.  Jonny even apologized to me afterwards.  Don’t go see this movie.  Don’t even give it one more moment of your brain power.  Screw The Thing.  I am still going to add the trailer for you to view, but there is a strong possibility that you can’t read if you still decide to go see this movie.

Have you seen The Thing?  Why?

~Ryan Lynch

2 thoughts on “The Thing Review

    • It’s ok. It gave me a great reason to write a post about an awesome Halloween party. Good times!

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