Thlihaesli! lihlIHlHDBNkjd! AHDIAOCNZ<AS!!! Okay, sorry, sorry… I need to slow down my fingers. I’m running on a super geek high right now, and it’s taking all my powers of concentration (not inconsiderable) to remain in a seated position in front of the computer. I have a feeling that this review will be uncharacteristically short, but only because there’s only so much I want to say to you, dear readers, so as not to ruin anything you might see in the theater.
The 5 Year Engagement starts where most romantic comedies end: at the proposal. Usually you have two single people getting into awkward situations trying to figure each other out. It works because you are not sure if it is going to work out (actually, you pretty much always know it is going to work out). But you don’t have the investment level in their relationship, because they are just getting to know each other. No commitment has been made.
A few weeks ago, Ryan executed a call to arms, asking for everyone to submit their all time Top Ten Favorite Movies of all time list.* He did this in response to an actual publication that is in no way affiliated with this website, especially since our legal department received multiple cease and desist letters. Ryan took an interesting approach in evaluating what made the cut on his own Top Ten list. Apparently his thought process went like this:
I physically had to watch this film. I have had a love for Atlas Shrugged since I first picked the book up ten years ago. Since then I try and read it once a year, and have mostly succeeded. If you have been to this site before, you know that I very rarely watch any movie more than once. So reading a 1000 page book over and over again should tell you how much this book means to me. Click here if you are interested in why I love Atlas Shrugged so much.
Hugo was lauded as a grand, whimsical journey helmed by an accomplished, respected, and award-winning director (Martin Scorsese). “Audiences and critics agree, Hugo is the must-see movie of the year!” is something that I heard many, many times, especially when it was getting released on DVD. It swept up big time accolades from the film community for being a dazzling, cinematic accomplishment. And to be fair, it really is exactly that. Sort of. I mean it’s all those things, but it’s also a complete exercise in movie making self masturbation.
A couple of weeks ago, I added this Request for Top 10’s to 47 Reviews. Since then I have been assembling my own. To explain my process: I brainstormed a large group of movies that I thought would be on my list. Then I wrote them all out on individual pieces of paper in order to make a visual list. On that list I would compare two movies at a time with the question, “If I was trapped on a desert island with a solar cell and a computer that only had one of these movies on it, which one would I want?”
I have not read the book, and I think that was of great detriment to me going into this film. My wife and I went with very good friends who had read the book. They loved this film. I, however, was getting upset from the very beginning. Before someone comes and kills me for saying these things, please do let me explain why.
Goddamn it, Disney! I said WOW me! What the hell was the budget on this movie? Two hundred and fifty MILLION dollars?? You’d think with that kind of price tag attached, they could afford to just have Disney imagineers design some sort of brain washing device to convince me I thoroughly enjoyed their flick. Well the rumor was floating around for weeks that the special effects laden, mega blockbuster was gonna be a mega bust, so I can’t say I was totally surprised by what I got for my matinee ticket price today. And I’m not saying it was terrible. I’m just saying it wasn’t $250 million bucks good.
Channing Tatum’s ass. That’s it. That’s my review. I really had every intention of just leaving my review there. One delectable scene of pure ass bliss as Channing Tatum saunters from the couch he slept on in a trendy warehouse Chicago apartment to the bathroom he shares with his wife, who has no idea who he is. The movie alone is worth seeing for those five beautiful seconds. In fact, his ass was what brought me out of Bond Girl hiding to spend time penning my long anticipated second movie review for this website.