Netflix Review: The Human Centipede

This is the actual movie poster.

Okay, Lynch.  I’ll see your “Ichi the Killer” review, and raise you one “Human Centipede.”  For those of you who have never heard about this movie, just imagine the most horrible, despicable, grotesque thing that its name could imply, and you’ve just imagined the actual premise.  This was a small budget movie produced for a little over a million bucks.  “Centipede” didn’t exactly get the major motion picture mainstream release, but lots of people heard about it (even if they weren’t sure exactly what IT was).  The film garnered this astounding amount of attention because, well…

Okay, I'm listening...

Yeah.  This movie was ripped straight from the psychotic nightmares of inbred fecalphiliacs and ass smeared onto the silver screen in technicolored glory.  The story is disturbing, and you probably don’t need me to explain where the name came from.  What you may need me to do, however, is explain how this single, deplorable, gruesome idea could actually be stretched into a movie that lasts longer than 10 minutes with a vomit intermission.  I mean, what the hell kind of story is there to tell?  This concept seems like it’d be more at home in the traveling sideshow of hillbilly carnies than on a DVD, right?

Well unfortunately for you, me, audiences across the country, and God… this movie was actually pretty well done.  Ugh, I feel dirty just saying that.  It seems that one day mad scientist Dr. Heiter, foremost expert in conjoined twin separation surgery, decides that he’s tired of the day to day banality of being not a sociopath.  Heiter pulls off the most spectacular job 180  since that shopping mall santa started stealing presents and burning down orphanages, realizing that it would be way cooler attaching things, rather than separating them, via the GI tract.  After giving up on what must have been the least responded to craig’s list ad ever, Heiter starts abducting human test subjects.

"No, of COURSE we don't believe in animal testing! That would be cruel!"

So two ditzy female European vacationers and one foul mouthed (spoiler alert) asian dude later, Heiter’s ready to put his plan into action.  Captured, sedated, and restrained, the subjects are of course tested for compatibility before the procedure can begin.  Because when you’re about to have you mouth sewn shut to your best friend’s asshole, you want to make sure you’re compatible first.

Although weirdly, not one of the 29 levels of compatibility eHarmony checks for... yet.

Part of his plan involves explaining to the unwilling trio, in graphic detail, the grossly unnecessary operation they’re about to take part in.  He’s even kind enough to provide visual aides to help bridge that pesky language barrier.

This is the universal sign for, "you're about to have a very bad day."

That’s it.  That’s all the plot I’m giving away.  “But Jonny,” you say, “you’ve given EVERYTHING away!”

“Shut your goddamn mouth,” I cooly reply.  There really is something horrifically compelling about this movie.  It’s like trying to finish masturbating after a stray thought about grandma accidentally pops into your head.  The movie has a disturbed eloquence to it, somehow apart from the snuff film stylings of Eli Roth’s “Hostel” franchise.  I honestly can’t put my finger on it, so don’t ask me to.  It’s a gripping thrill ride of the macabre while being surprisingly light on the actual gore.  Bottom line, don’t expect your lady friend to be in the mood after you watch this together.

Have you seen the movie?  What did you think about it? Let me know in the comments below!

~Jonny Green

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