Netflix Review: Machete

A grind house film is a film that has two characteristics, it is exploitative and pornographic.  Machete is a fantastic grind house film.  Machete is most definitely not for everyone.  But if you like your characters, violence and boobs taken to ridiculous levels, you will love Machete.

To truly understand how insane this movie is, you must know its origins.  Machete was a fake movie trailer that Robert Rodriguez made for his movie experience Grindhouse, put together with Quentin Tarantino.  They made two grind house style movies, Planet Terror and Death Proof.  They released them together, and in order to create a truly grind house experience they put some fake trailers in between.  These included such gems as Thanksgiving, Werewolf Women of the SS, and Don’t.  Machete was one of these trailers as well.

Rodriguez was so pumped to work with Danny Trejo (Machete) that he decided to make Machete into a real movie.  But in order to really challenge himself he decided to make sure that every shot that was in the trailer was in the actual movie.  This leads to the clusterfuck that is Machete.

What makes all of this even more insane is who he then got to be in the film.  Robert De Niro, Don Johnson and Steven Seagal are just the tip of the ice berg.  All three of those actors are villains.  Seriously, this film is just fantastic on so many levels.

We are introduced to Machete by having him still as a Federale.  He is following no one’s orders, because everyone but him is corrupt.  So it is up to him to go save the girl.  Oh yeah, and the girl is naked.  Plus, he has to kill several people before, during and after saving the girl with a machete (of course!).  It turns out to be a set up, and Machete gets screwed.  Fast forward to America where Machete is an illegal immigrant who helps out She, a hot-ass Che Guevara ripoff played by an almost naked Michelle Rodriguez.

Machete gets roped into an assassination plot of a senator who hates illegal immigrants, and this is where shit really goes down.  Not only do we get to see Machete use a human’s intestines as a rappelling rope, but we also get to see him kill more people with a sort of knife/bull whip.  So now Machete is being chased down by the cops.  Did I mention that the main cop is (in some scenes, almost naked) Jessica Alba?  (God bless you Robert Rodriguez!)

But wait, there’s more!  Of course Machete also has to deal with the bad guy’s henchmen who also want to kill him.  That way they can blame the assassination attempt on him.  This pisses Machete off and so he goes to the bad guys house and screws his wife and daughter.  At the same time.  Did I mention that the daughter is (fully naked) Lindsay Lohan?

All of this leads to one of the most hilarious “wars” I have ever seen in a movie.  You have rednecks versus an illegal Mexican army.  The best part is that the Mexican army rolls out in hoopties, lowriders and hydrolics.  Just horribly exploitative and incredibly funny.   The last twenty minutes of Machete involved me laughing so hard I might have peed a little.

I haven’t even mentioned the bad ass man of God played by Cheech Marin or their use of “Mexican Cigars.”  Or the fact that Senator McLaughlin ends up getting a taste of his own medicine.  Or that Machete gets to use a machete that is almost half the size of his body.  It is almost as if Rodriguez thought to himself, “Self, what would a 12 year old boy do here?” in every single scene of this movie.

Really, I think that is the best way to describe this film.  If a 12 year old boy had the hook ups that Rodriguez has and wanted to make a movie, he would have made Machete. There is sex, violence and drugs for no real reason throughout.  If that sounds good to you, then please watch Machete.  You will not be sad that you did.

Have you seen Machete?  What did you think of it?  Let us know in the comments below.

~Ryan Lynch

4 thoughts on “Netflix Review: Machete

  1. I didn’t realize that every shot in the fake trailer made it into the movie. You just enhanced my Machete watching experience, if that’s even possible.

  2. I love how many hot chicks were in this movie, and your picture selections were impeccable.

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