Jet Li returns to his village to find it completely decimated. Luckily his son was hidden away and is still alive. But Jet Li knows that the revenge that he is about to rain down on the people who did this to his village will be long, bloody and necessitate an extremely hard life. Therefore, he gives his (I would guess) one year old son a choice, choose the sword and live to fight with his father or choose his favorite toy and be killed to join his mother. And that is how this movie starts. We are not even two minutes into this bad ass piece of kung fu treachery.
You want a giant ball of death that defies all laws of physics? You got it. Do you want to then find out it is actually made up of people inside holding shields of death and propelling said death ball with, who the fuck knows? You’re damn right you do! You want three eight year olds doing a flying dragon kick 20 feet through the air simultaneously? Check. Mate.
This movie is so awesome, I am pretty sure it has had sex with numerous super models, who then paid it for the pleasure of getting to swing from its obviously gargantuan manhood.
And I haven’t even gotten to the villain. In the movie, his name is Ma Ling-Yee. In the beginning of the film, we find out that he is the one who betrayed the village. You know why? Money. He killed friends, relatives and fuck-buddies all so that he could have stripper/coke parties. So Jet Li kills his ass. You read that right, the main villain gets killed in the first ten minutes of the film. But this is a Chinese film, and death is usually just a mild genital itch in their films.
Ma Ling-Yee gets resuscitated by a witch doctor who turns him into a near invincible zombie dick. Not a zombie’s dick, although I bet there is a market for over-sized zombie porn. People get off on all kinds of things. But a dick who is also a zombie. Seriously, this guy just likes to kill people. Oh, and did I mention he drives around in a wheelchair tank? Just the fact that a cripple/zombie/dick/tank driver is the main antagonist I think should put this on everyone’s must see list.
But wait. There’s more!
The movie flashes forward to Jet Li and his now eight year old son and his son’s friends. Well, they aren’t his friends at first, but he is so bad ass (he is Jet Li’s son after all) that they all become friends and the end of the movie becomes what 3 Ninjas always wishes it was. I realize that I just compared this movie to 3 Ninjas, but work with me here. Jet Li and five 8 year olds fighting a cripple zombie and his army.
Let me repeat that again: Jet Li and five 8 year olds fighting a cripple zombie and his army.
Do you want to know what the best part is about this review? I have not ruined this movie at all. You can pop this guy in and watch the beautiful fight scenes from beginning to end and just enjoy yourself. I promise you, words do no justice to the visuals.
If you have ever enjoyed kung fu movies, you will enjoy this movie.
Have you seen Legend of the Red Dragon? Think I am insane? Let me know what you thought in the comments below.