Drag Me to Hell sucks so much that it gives Dyson vacuums around the world an inferiority complex. Which really makes me unhappy because I love Sam Raimi. How can you not love the man that gave Bruce Campbell the line “Honey, you got real ugly.” But Sam wrote and directed this crapfest, so I guess no one is perfect.
What is wrong with Drag Me to Hell? Let me count the ways.
1. Putting nasty things into Christine’s (Alison Lohman) mouth. Apparently, Sam Raimi thinks there is nothing more frightening than putting things like bile, vomit, blood, eyeballs, other people’s mouths, flys, maggots and anything else he can into Christine’s mouth. Because every single one of those things gets into her mouth in this film. Those are just the beginning of the list. Almost every single “scare” in this film involves something flying into our protagonists mouth.
Do you know how those things get into her mouth? It is always open! You would think that after the first round of blood, vomit and bile got into your mouth, you would actively try and keep it shut. You would be wrong. Christine sees the ghost of the woman who has been haunting her for the first 70% of this film. Christine opens her mouth. Ghost woman shoves her fist in up to the elbow. Close your damn mouth!
2. Christine is beautiful. From the very beginning, Christine knows that she is cursed to be dragged to Hell. Literally. A demon is going to come and drag Christine to Hell where her soul will be tormented for eternity. Yet in every scene she looks amazing. Her hair is always perfect. Her makeup is always perfect. She never even looks like she is nervous or apprehensive.
On top of this, the gypsy woman who curses her repeatedly pulls out huge chunks of Christine’s hair. Even in the same scene where the gypsy is holding a hand full of her hair, Christine’s hair is perfect. Christine does not look frazzled or upset. She was just attacked by a dead gypsy who tore out a chunk of her hair and vomited dead person bile into her MOUTH, and she looks fine. Seriously Christine, close your mouth!
3. None of the actors react to what is going on around them. I have just talked about Christine, but what about her boyfriend? Clay (Justin Long) seems to not care at all that his girlfriend is seeing demons and has flys shooting out of her (you guessed it) mouth. In one scene, he almost kills a bum. He then watches the bum yell at his girlfriend “You are going to hell whore!” and his reaction is to giggle and say “Oh shit!” Really?
I really do need to go back to Christine on this one though. Alison Lohman does not emote in this movie. She is cursed to Hell. She is being tormented by demons. She never looks like she is frightened. Every time that she opens her mouth to talk, she simply speaks. Not once did I believe that she was scared for her soul. Goddamnit Christine, close your mouth!
4. Cartoon violence. Normally I would not see this as a bad thing. Cartoon violence is what made Evil Dead one and two and Army of Darkness amazing. The difference is that all three of those movies embraced it. They played into the cartoonyness (is that a word?) and made you laugh at what is going on. Drag Me to Hell takes itself way too seriously. Every cartoony bit of violence instantly took me out of the film.
For example, one of the most menacing things in this film is a handkerchief. Stop for a moment and just think about that last sentence. The handkerchief attacks Christine repeatedly throughout Drag Me to Hell. It messes with her while she drives cars. It leads her to bad people who want to do bad things to her. And you guessed it, it tries to go in her mouth. Is anyone here afraid of a handkerchief? Even if it was trying to fly down your mouth? Christine, please. Please just close your… Oh, I give up.
Drag Me to Hell is a piece of crap. The only good thing I can say about it is that the title comes true by dragging anyone who watches it into the Hell that it itself is. So at least it is honest. Do not watch this movie. You would be better off getting cursed by a gypsy.
Have you seen Drag Me to Hell? What did you think of it? Let us know in the comments below.