Netflix Review: Dead Alive

Tell me you don't remember seeing this cover at Blockbuster.

I was about to write a review for another scary movie (“Trick ‘r Treat,” and I’ll get to it later so back the hell off) but had an involuntary bowel movement when I realized that “Dead Alive,” my favorite movie of ALL TIME is now available for streaming on Netflix.  Obviously as a patriot and connoisure connesseur lover of the horror genre, it is my civic duty to preach the gospel of DA to my adoring masses out there following me on 47reviews.

"Uh, I believe the ad said there would be snacks?"

“Dead Alive” is a little known New Zealand horror flick, the fetal alcohol syndrome having brainchild of a guy who has recently achieved a modicum of notoriety directing films about little people and giant apes.  Maybe you’ve heard of him?  Peter Goddamn Jackson.  Well before Mr. Jackson went all mainstream, he seemed to have an unholy love affair with the macabre, the grotesque, and the deranged.  And by “unholy,” I of course mean “awesome beyond belief.”  We’re talking about “Chuck Norris showing up at your birthday party and roundhouse kicking Hitler in the face before giving you the keys to your new rocket car” levels of awesome.

Even google images couldn't handle that request.

Okay, sorry.  Got a little off topic there.  We’re talking about “Dead Alive” still.  It’s tough for me not to oversell this movie because, as previously mentioned, it’s literally my favorite movie of all time.  I don’t even need a qualifier like “favorite horror movie” or “favorite I-had-sex-during movie.”  Just favorite, period.  But chances are it won’t be your favorite, and that’s okay.  I’m just hear to drop some knowledge on you as to why you still need to check this gem out.  “Dead Alive” is the story of a socially awkward, but incredibly devoted son Lionel.

This is what an action hero looks like in New Zealand.

His mother utterly dominates his life, and tries to convince him that he doesn’t need any other women in his world besides her.  Enter Paquita, the sexy love interest who discovers that she and Lionel are destined to have “a love that will last a lifetime.”  Obviously this doesn’t sit well with mother who is anxious to sabotage their relationship, despite Paquita’s inspired (and somewhat unsettling) efforts to play Cobra Commander with Lionel’s trouser snake.  On one unfortunate excursion to the zoo, mommy dearest is spying on the young couple when disaster strikes and she’s bitten by the terrible Sumatran Rat Monkey!

They will explain in graphic detail how this abomination came to be. Also something about God hating hope.

Unfortunately the infected bite eventually kills Lionel’s mother.  Even more unfortunately, she won’t stay dead and comes back with an insatiable appetite for human flesh.  Sounds like pretty standard zombie movie fodder, except that Lionel is such a doting son that he feels compelled to keep his mother’s secret and continue to care for her.  As you can probably imagine, hilarious violence ensues.  As you probably cannot imagine, this includes zombie sex, ass kicking karate priests, sentient GI tracts, and a finale so gruesome it purportedly took 300 freaking liters of fake blood to film.  Seriously, this movie has been lauded as the quantifiably most gruesome movie of all time.  And numbers don’t lie.

Although I did hear that seven ate nine. Badum-CHING.

Long story long, watching this movie is like dousing your brain with psychotropics harvested from Freddy Krueger’s nightmares.  You know, the dude who haunted the nightmares of everyone else.  It’s bizarre, it’s bloody, it’s hilarious, it’s romantic, it’s horrific, and everything in between.  And whether you love it or hate it, this movie will be seared into your consciousness like a psychic cattle brand.  Forever.

Have you seen the movie?  What did you think about it? Let me know in the comments below!

~Jonny Green

2 thoughts on “Netflix Review: Dead Alive

  1. “…despite Paquita’s inspired (and somewhat unsettling) efforts to play Cobra Commander with Lionel’s trouser snake.” Brilliant!!

  2. I would say that this movie less scary and more ridiculous than most but you probably covered that base with “sentient GI tract”. Also if you enjoyed this review and film I would highly suggest a drunken viewing or Bad Taste, just as ridiculous and even lower budget. “Bad Taste: Be careful with that alien suit, we only have one and it took up 90% of the budget”

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