Magic Mike Review

There’s literally no caption I can add to this picture to make it better.

I just finished law school which means that I’m currently unemployed.  I also moved back to San Diego so I’m living at home with the parents.  Since having a set of wheels is mandatory in southern California, I’m using the old family car, a two door 2002 Miata.  I’ve also been trying to spend extra time with mom now that I’m back, so we’ve been going to a lot of Zumba and pilates classes together.  I have a godson that I wanted to visit last weekend in Irvine, so I went with him and his mom to an early morning Stroller Strides fitness program.  If all of that wasn’t enough for people to start questioning my lifestyle, I also went with her and a bunch of the Stroller Stride gals to a Thursday night showing of the magnum opus that is “Magic Mike.”

“Sorry I can’t stay, ladies. I’m already late to my bikini wax. Carmen, YOU know what I’m talking about. We have fun, don’t we?”

As I said before, this was a Thursday night showing, out in the suburbs, two weeks after the movie had already been out.  And that place was freaking PACKED!!!  Among the hundred and fifty people in that theater, I was literally one of two individuals bringing a Y to a double X chromosome party.  What I’m trying to say is that even if this was one of the worst movies of all time, it’s basically a money printing press.  Remember how many times your moms/sisters/girlfriends went to see Titanic?  And as much as it pains me to say this, it wasn’t one of the worst movies of all time!

That’s not to say it wasn’t bad.  Because it was.  This is a bad movie.  It was just bad in the most spectacular fashion possible.  I mean when you’re looking an AMC employee straight in the eye purchasing a ticket for “Magic Mike” without a trace of sarcasm in your voice, you know what you’re getting yourself into.

“Here’s your tickets, and here’s your Tampax. Your cycles should sync up about halfway through.”

Surprisingly, there was quite a bit to like about this movie.  We (the gals and I) were given strict instructions not to miss the opening number of the movie.  And after being treated to a brief yet entertaining audio/visual appetizer by that dirty, sweaty sex god himself, Matthew McConaughey, the audience got a full blown ocular feast in the form of the 5 hardest bodies ever assembled onscreen since Voltron got cancelled.*  And seriously, some of those dance numbers were absolutely fantastic.  Channing Tatum is NOT a good actor, but sometimes I forget that he made the leap to movies because of the sweet dance moves he brought to the table in “Step Up.”  And make no mistake, that guy has serious talent.  Dance talent, not acting talent.

And ab… uh, talent. His abs are talented. Whatever. And also shut up.

The cavalcade of supporting characters was also diverse and interesting.  Not diverse in terms of ethnicity.  I mean, they were all pretty white.  Except for what’s-his-name from CSI: Miami.  I think he’s, what, hispanic?  Anyway, diverse in terms of their back stories, and what they were bringing to the table.  They were actually a pretty fascinating bunch of dudes, each presumably getting into the fast paced and glamorous world of male stripping with their own talents and agendas.  Dallas (Matthew McConaughey) was the seemingly kindhearted business owner, revealed to be a scoundrel out to make as much money as possible.  Ken (Matt Bomer) was married and serious about his craft, going so far as to refuse a particular performance because it would have brought too much negative energy to the table.  Big Dick Richie (Joe Manganiello) had, well, a large penis.  But I’m sure there was more to him beyond his abnormally sized genitalia.  The point is I actually wanted to know more about these characters!  Even Mike himself (Channing Tatum) was a struggling entrepreneur with a penchant for handmade home furnishings.  That’s interesting!  But INSTEAD of expanding on any of the actually intriguing stories at their disposal, the movie makers focused on the bullshit Adam (Alex Pettyfer) and his awful sister Brooke (Cody Horn).

These two. Somehow these two people managed to ruin a surprisingly watchable movie about male strippers. Starring Channing Tatum. I cannot stress this enough.

All you need to know is that Adam was a bum of a 19 year old with no aspirations who couldn’t hold down a job because he refused to wear a tie.  And his sister Brooke is a terrible person.  Not only is her character objectively terrible, but Cody Horn spends every minute of screen time looking confused as to what all the dudes with cameras and cue cards are doing yelling at her.  Seriously, they’re both boring and douchey.  So long as you can ignore most of the scenes with these two that doesn’t involve hot dudes dancing and taking their clothes off, you could actually enjoy this movie.

Oh right, and Olivia Munn is in this movie. Topless. Go see it for that too.

Have you seen the movie?  What did you think about it?  Let me know in the comments below!

~ Jonny Green

3 thoughts on “Magic Mike Review

  1. An amazing cinematic masterpiece. 5 Stars. Sure to go down in the anals (typo and it stays) of history as one of the top five most culturally significant movies of the 21st century.

  2. Jonny–you try and set up your lifestyle as being questionable right now, and yet somehow end up in a photo full of women. Also, good review. Mine would have gone like this: “Olivia Munn is in this movie. Topless. That is all.”

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