A few weeks ago, Ryan executed a call to arms, asking for everyone to submit their all time Top Ten Favorite Movies of all time list.* He did this in response to an actual publication that is in no way affiliated with this website, especially since our legal department received multiple cease and desist letters. Ryan took an interesting approach in evaluating what made the cut on his own Top Ten list. Apparently his thought process went like this:
I brainstormed a large group of movies that I thought would be on my list. Then I wrote them all out on individual pieces of paper in order to make a visual list. On that list I would compare two movies at a time with the question, “If I was trapped on a desert island with a solar cell and a computer that only had one of these movies on it, which one would I want?”
While I appreciated Ryan’s quasi-philosophical method to answering the question, I adopted a more scientific approach:
Okay, if Ryan is going to be out of town for 3 days, it takes me 6 hours to drive to Des Moines, and I have an approximate 17 minute refractory period, how many times can I have sex with Ryan’s mom before he catches me?
After some quick calculations on THAT particular problem, I got down to the dirty, sinful business of compiling my own Top Ten list. But how do you quantify a concept as ethereal as “favorite?” I mean, different movies have impacted me in different ways depending on where I was in my own life when I saw them, who I saw them with, and how many boobs were on screen at any given time. How to you categorize something like that?? Well, I finally settled on my top pics based on the 39 different levels of compatibility I stole from eHarmony. And so without laborious pomp and circumstance (Ryan already used “further ado,” that slut), here are Jonny Green’s Top 10 favorite movies of all time!
10. Die Hard (directed by John McTiernan)
As if there was any doubt THIS movie would be on my top ten list. Honestly, I’d put it on here twice if there wasn’t such a limited amount of valuable real estate. John McClain is the everyman hero, an ordinary guy thrust into extraordinary situations (before he started killing helicopters with cars). Audiences everywhere can root for this man, and he does it all uttering sweet catch phrases and wearing an increasingly blackened undershirt. And that’s just the hero! I haven’t even started on Hans Gruber, charming international bandit. In a stunning display of criminal originality that I think would set the bar for future heist movies, Hans flips the script on the audience and reveals his master plan is not one of terrorism, but of the ultimate robbery. My BFF and I watch and quote this movie constantly, plus it’s got Carl from Family Matters!
9. Empire Strikes Back (directed by Irvin Kershner)
Oh what, you thought that all the Star Wars movies were directed by George “Boy Toy” Lucas? Not so, sweet, soft, innocent reader. Star Wars has to make the list, if for other reason that it is one of the most influential trilogies of all time. But everyone who loves Star Wars already knows why they love Star Wars, and everyone who doesn’t love Star Wars only exists in this sentence so that I can complete my hypothetical. So long story short, EST is my favorite of the three, er, six movies because it has everything: action, adventure, intrigue, lightsaber duels, yoda, bounty hunters, space battles, tauntauns, AND the biggest most awesome twist reveal worthy of such an epic space odyssey.
8. Raider’s of the Lost Ark (directed by Steven Spielberg)
Oh Lucas Arts, you’ve done it again! Indiana Jones is one of the most iconic movie characters of all time due in large part to the directorial prowess of Steven Spielberg and the smarmy charm of Harrison Ford. I’m not sure how women feel watching the original adventure archeologist charge headfirst into danger and excitement, but I would imagine it feels a lot like they’re marinating a veal cutlet between their thighs. This entry could have probably held for the entire trilogy, but I think that RotLA is the superior of the three and deserves its own spot on the top ten.
7. Forgetting Sarah Marshall (directed by Nicholas Stoller)
For quotable, laugh-riot comedies, they don’t come much better than Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Look, I know that it’s not one of the aging, hit classics that I’m sure constantly make the best comedy lists of all time (Dumb and Dumber, Vacation, Coming to America, etc.), but I have a special bond with this movie. If that rubs you the wrong way, well fuck you. This is MY list! Start your own goddamned movie review website! My buddy Eugene and I watched this movie for about 6 months straight back when we were living together, and it was incredible. Jason Segel is a comedy juggernaut, and this movie gave us Aldous Snow, the hilarious, lovable, sex-charged rockstar. Sure Russell Brand hasn’t managed to recapture that same on-screen magic since, but FSM still gives me hope.
6. X-Men II (directed by Bryan Singer)
For my money, X2 set the standard in super hero movies. The first X-Men movie was very well done, but still suffered from some drawbacks. There was a lot of backstory to fill in, and they had to ease mainstream audiences totally unfamiliar with Marvel comics into a world where mutants are just a thing that exist. But after the excellent groundwork laid by X1, X2 grabs the reins, punches the driver in the face, and drives to his house to have sex with the driver’s wife. Do you remember the opening sequence with Nightcrawler?? That shit was CRAZY! Earth’s rotation literally slowed down because of the wind drag created by thousands of simultaneous nerd boners. There was that whole scene with Wolverine defending the mansion, Iceman “coming out” to his parents, and the heart-wrenching sacrifice made by Jean Grey at the end (spoiler alert: if you haven’t seen the movie yet, I just spoiled the ending for you). Seriously this movie kicked so much ass, marred only SLIGHTLY by the fact that X3 was worse than that time you caught dad with your mom in the “jackhammer” position.
5. The Rock (directed by Michael Bay KABOOM POW EXPLOSION!)
Wait, did someone say The Rock? Why thank you, helpful and totally coincidental segue! Yes, The Rock is on my Top Ten List, unapologetically. And do you know why it’s on here? Because Michael Bay loves him four things: women, cars, America, and bad-ass explosions. And what the hell is wrong with that? Answer, nothing. Not a goddamn thing. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that yes, even Michael Bay can, on occasion, go too far. I mean, the story still needs to be engaging. It can’t be two hours of slow motion running and robot testicle jokes. Well it COULD be, and honestly I’d still go watch it. But The Rock earns a spot for beautifully weaving these elements together in a hilarious, action packed, non-stop thrill ride. This is classic Nicholas Cage, just hamming it up on screen with the manic energy of a 5 year old hopped up on pixie sticks. This is Sean Connery delivering lines about avoiding shower rape and bedding the prom queen. This is Ed “Blue Eyes” Harris kicking ass with his steely gaze and southern gentleman sex appeal. I’m not saying that Michael Bay is like a modern day William Shakespeare… but I’m also not not saying it.
4. The Evil Dead Trilogy (directed by Sam Raimi)
It’s tough to say anything about the cult classic Evil Dead movies that hasn’t already been said by fan boys of all ages. People either love them or hate them, but it’s tough to deny that they leave a lasting impression. The first Evil Dead movie introduced us to the hero of the story, Ashley “Ash” Williams (Bruce Campbell). If you don’t know who Bruce Campbell is, well then I just feel bad for you. He’s pretty much king of the B-movies with appearances in everything from Hercules, to Burn Notice, to every single Spider-Man movie directed by Raimi. He brings an ineffable enthusiasm and manic energy to every role he’s ever played, and TEV is right in his wheelhouse. The movies get increasingly bizarre and hilarious, but always bring copious amount of gore and fake blood, presented normally in the most hilarious way possible. Army of Darkness, the third in the trilogy, definitely has a different feel to it in that it was set in medieval times and turned Ash from unlikely protagonist with humble beginnings into a legendary and prophesized time-traveling hero of yore. But it easily has some of the best one-liners of any flick out there, and leaves you clamoring for more of Bruce’s pitch perfect comedic timing than you can shake a boomstick at.
3. Aladdin (directed by Rom Clements and John Musker)
Simply one of the best animated Disney movies of all time. If you didn’t get to watch this movie growing up, you have never really known happiness. No one has ever had a bad thing to say about this movie. From the fantastic story to the colorful characters to the unforgettable songs and soundtrack, Aladdin set new bars in movie making magic. It is funny and action packed and heart warming all at the same time. I also may have experienced the first stirrings of my adolescent sexual awakening with Jasmine in her slave costume.
2. The Princess Bride (directed by Rob Reiner)
The Princess Bride is such a timeless classic that it hardly needs an introduction. Peter Falk actually described it best when he said, “Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles..” the movie literally has it all. You could watch this with your dad, your brother, your girlfriend, AND your grandma, and every single one of you would find something to enjoy about this movie. Granted, that’s a pretty weird collection of people to watch movies with, but who am I to judge? The point is, even Carey Elwes rocks in this movie, and that’s hard to do.
1. Dead Alive (directed by Peter mother-fucking Jackson)
I love this movie so hard that it had to take out a restraining order on me. This movie makes me so happy that when I’m watching it the couch gets pregnant. Literally if there was one movie I had to watch with Ryan’s dumbass solar cell on a deserted island for the rest of my short, dysentery ridden existence, it would be this (or James Cameron’s “Guide to Escaping a Deserted Island” in 3D). I’ve already reviewed this movie here, so I won’t get back into the specifics. I’ll just say that Dead Alive really just needs to be experienced. No words I use can replicate the feelings you’ll get by watching this movie. And that’s it! Top Favorite Movie of all time preceded by his only slightly less loved step brothers. I hope this post was as illuminating as it was pointless.
Have you seen ANY of the movies? What did you think about them? Let me know in the comments below! And don’t forget to check out Ryan’s list here if you haven’t already.