Drunken Review: X-men: First Class

Well, you can’t say we don’t ever try something new.  This is going to be an interesting one for you.  This is a fan submission for the site with a twist.  What is the twist you ask?  He was drunk while watching the film and writing the review.  So I have included the text exactly as written.  You will get all of the classic drunk tendencies from a guy.  He lists what he drank, he obsesses about boobs and stream of consciousness is the name of the game.

So please, give it a read, and let us know if you think we should ever do this again in the comments below.  (We also have a mostly sober review of X-men: First Class by Jonny.)  Maybe you love it, maybe you hate it.  We don’t know unless you tell us.  Without further ado, here is Mr. Roboto:

Wow! X-MEN first Clast is probably one of the greatest action Movies I’ve seen in ages. First, let’s talk about the important stuff: Janurary Jones. Yeah. HsSehe’s still Smoking Hot. Well, I mean, pretty close to smoking Hot. She played the role of some icy crystal mutant that was diamond and thus unreadable by Professor X (Well, he wasn’t Prof X at that point (spoiler!!). Anyways. playing diamond glass that is unreadable by mind-reading mutants is also analogous to playing an actress that… well, yeah, diamond glass, who can really tell what she’s doing. She plays cold Bitches. But she’s really hot, and I think this is the movie she got knocked up for, On…something. Did Kevin Bacon knock her up? We alsoways knew dancing would lead to fornication.


So, X-Men first class is actually a thoroughly enjoyable vie. Don’t take my word for it. I’m hammered. I’m the new movie reviewer for…Whatever site (sight…CITE!?) this is. I love them. Jonny Green is the best.


I think there’s some important lessons we can learn rom X-Men First Class. First. Magneto (Eric?!… whatever his name was before Magneto) was a total cock-blocker. Did you see him drop in on Beast and Raven? Let’s take a step back here. Imagine a woman that could take on ANY physical form that you could imagine. Now imagine that she’s totally in to you. And Imagine that she’s about to…. well, we’l, never know because Magneto (ERIC) walked in at that point and totally ruined it. [As a long aside, let’s be honest here; she’d have been awesome naked the whole time but for the movie rating association. And I really don’t get that sincethey let what’s her name’s GORGOUES breasts in during Titanic. Why couldn’t I see Raven’s beautiful breasts? Did she have areolas (Nipples)? I mean, I assume she did but she blocked them for the sake of Warner Brothers (or whoever made the movie so it could be PG-13 so they could make lots of money–I can’t hold that against them, but Raven can hold herself against me).


Anyways, WOW. X-Men First ClSS IS PROBABLY ONE OF the best X-Men movies that I’ve seen. I know that sets the bar really high because the last few were amazing. I remember seeing the Phoenix flying beneath that lake at the end of the first movie (SPOILER!) and then…. OH HEY WAIT A MINUTE NOTHING EALLY happened with that amazing foreshadowing. I’d Insert a foreskin joke here but I’m not that witty.


So, X-Men first Class was actually a pretty good movie. I’ll own up to the fact that I was probably Hammered by he time that Kevin Bacon decided that a nicely formed steel mixing bowl would keep out Prof X. But seeing Prof and Magneto growing up together was pretty cool on its own. I liked that. I felt like I really had a hole new understanding for the odd homoerotic tension between Prof X and Prof Magneto. Well, Magneto wasn’t a Prof but clearly he’s really smart. Or at least really really angry. Prof X tried to mitigate all that anger but he gets [blanked out so as not to completely ruin the incredible surpsied here [but let’s just say that… if you went to see the Titanic, you know that it sinks…. so, well, yeah… parallel to Prof X… where’s Patric Steward in all of this anyways?]. Wow. Well, to wrap things up. I liked X-Men Fist Class. I think I had a beer before hand, a gin and tonic while watching the previews, and a few more beers during the movie. What can I say. I’m a lightweight. But that doesn’t take away from the greatness that is X-Men first Class. Go see it. Keep you expectations in check (no Ptrick Stewart), and understand that your weird-ass toes don’t mean that you’re brilliant or about to turn blue (and brilliant), and I think you’ll finned $5 well worth the price of admission. Or perhaps worth the price of Netflix streaming (though not on DVD…one or the other.. Dman you Netflix).

Mr. Roboto

What did you think?  Let us know in the comments below.


3 thoughts on “Drunken Review: X-men: First Class

  1. That was great!! You should definitely keep this as a periodic review methodology!! Hahaha.

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