Drunken Review: Battleship

Well you can’t say we don’t ever try something new.  Oh wait!  That’s how the LAST drunken review started!  Well… you can’t say we don’t ever try something new again.  We had such a positive, overwhelming response to our last drunken review by Mr. Roboto that we practically begged him to come back and write another one.  Why and how he agreed is another matter entirely.  The “why” is that we bribed him with a lot of alcohol.  The “how” is remarkably similar.  The following is being presented to you in its pure, unadulterated, and edit-free composition.  Enjoy!

Battlehsip is actualy is a love story. A ove story that takes place in the Friday Nght Lighs world of Riggs and Landry. You haven’t watched Friday Night Lights? Get out of here. Netflix that shit, it’s fucking amazing. Seriously, though, Riggs plays Riggs, just as a Naval Officer, fighting nondescript humanoid aliens that can fly all the way to Earth and make ships that fight under water, fly, shoot thousands of missle, shoot canon balls that are sentient and rip shit up and they can’t beat a fucking battleship from WWII. A WWII, maybe Korean war. This was a point of contention. Also a point of conention: Whether or not Rigg’s g/f slash fiance slash fuckbuddy father by Liam Neeson had any boobs. At least twice in the movie, there was an implication of boobs, but the jury is still out.

“They aint gonna sink this battleship, no way.” OH YEAH EXCEPT UNLESS THEY’RE ALL POWERFUL ALIENS SHOOTING A 60 YEAR OLD BATTLESHIP. Oh spoiler, I’m so sorry. It’s like watching Titanic, except this time, less fanatic  boobs. Speaking of boobs (I spelled it bobs, but corrected), Jonny pointed out that there was like 2 boob shots. And really… these aren’t even boob shots. They’re more like cleavage shots. Of a washingboard. Spelled Washington. Lucia: “She had big boobs, didn’t she, they seemed pretty big.” I agree Lucia. That’s just poor cinematography (Said Jonny and I agree 1100%. Not to imply to imply the boobs were 1110% bigger than we perceived, but they nice. Adequate. A comfortablee handful if you were to cup the television.)

Let’s talk about Riana for a moment. How do you spell her name? Rhina? Rhino? Riaana? Brad: “Rianaa has been fucking useless, they only included her because she’s been beaten up.” Apparently I said that. Jonny texted to me. It’s impressive that he was able to send that with only his left hand. Seriously though, I’m not sure why R was in this movie. She didn’t do anything, except provide some sexy tension with Landry (who was in love with a salamander… Lucia says the aliens were salamanders… they were clearly reptilian, some people just didn’t make it behind fourth grade bio science.

Let’s talk about the Navy. apparently the armed forces threw they’re wait behind Battleship instead of The Avengers. Egg on they’re fucking face. Cause the Avengers fucked shit up. The Navy lost pretty much every ship fighting the aliens from the unidentified place. Avengers for the Win. Also…if I could fly between solar systems and fire sentient weapons and make flying ships (FLYING SHIPS OMG WWHAT OTHER MOVIE HAD A FLYING OH THE AVENGERS THat s’right) I would have beaten the crap out of a bunch of old dudes. Here’s where I really got angry. All the ships are down so let’s get a battle ship and operate it with a half dozen wwII?/korean war vets. Wtf. Running a giant battleship takes a huge crew.

You know what really disappoints me? Riggs is far and away from favorite character from Friday Night lights (closely followed by Landry), but now Riggs has been in Battleship and John fucking Carter (thanks Disney… great idea). How is the movie industry at all surprised that summer box office sums are down? Who thought that giving Riggs short hair and putting him the navy (cue village people soundtrack) would make a good movie? Seriously, I want to be the person from Hasbro (Hasbro right) who said ‘Yeah let’s make a movie out of battleship and exploit wounded warriors and korean/wwII vets to maximum effect and have them shout stupid lines like “You aren’t going to sink THIS battleship!” SURPISE!!! IT SANK.

I swore that would not pay a DIME to watch Battleship. Stuck to my word and things worked out. But you know what’s really disappointing? B-ship, even with good company, even with folks willing to explain what was happening, it was just sort of ok. It wasn’t TERRIBLE.
I wanted ti to be terribly fucking badly awesome. Instead it was just mediocre. And Liam Neelsiaon didn/t really do anything. YOU GIVE MY DAUGHTER BACK. The aliens didn’t’ have any motivation, they were never characterized, and they sort of had a vaguely human / Master Chief (that’s Halo for the uninitiated) look to them. But they didn’t even bother to explain why they were so clearly humanoid (unlike in Star Trek when it’s clearly explained in TNG that there is a alien (SPOILER) race that had an impact in developing and designing humanoid races, explaining why most aliens in the STAr Trek rhelm are bi-pedal.).

Take away. Battleship isntn any good, and particularly insulting, it’s not terribly bad. It’s just mediocre. Asides: They quoted batman music at a few points. Friends watching with me didn’t here it, BUT I HEARD.

Jonny sent me a few notable quotes. He and Lucy want me to include them.  will include them henceforth:

“they’re quoting batman music rightnow!” -Batman (Brad)
“they ain’t gonna sink this battleship, no way. -Old Dude who I thought was more Korean war than WWII but OTHER minds thought might be WWII even though that’s crazy because they’d be like 90 years old.
“These aliens? I’m so disappointed in their design. Tey’re just like generic truckers.” (galaxy truckers). -Brad (me apparently)
“Riana has been fucking useless. Seriously. They only included her because she’ been beaten up by a man.” This sounds bad out of context, but it’s clear that there’s a Chris Brown reference (if you’re well informed and drinking enough), and I find it insulting).
“It’s SONAR! No, it’s RADAR!! Nooooo…it’s sonar! Sonar is u under the water! No, radar makes a ping!.” -So I got pissed that the ship was “going dark” but they were still sending out active sonar pings I mean come on at least you could at least acknowledge the difference between active and passive sonar (read some Tom fucking Clancy) or something)).

Oh yeah, last aside here: the director had this big hard on for high contrast lighting when ever inside the battleship. I mean comeone. Battleships weren’t pitch black with a single light (probably limited with a  spot grid) on each face… no ther was actually lighting EXCEP NOT ON THESE SHIPS. That was annoying. I didn’t like the high contrast shots, in that ever shot was basically one face and an entirely black screen.

So that’s all… thoughts, mentions. Stuff. There was a Battleship. There was a fight on a grid. And whoever thought this was a good idea, whoever p[aid money to license this idea, needs a punching. Maybe we could him  or her in a room with Justin Bieber and have said room controlled by Mr. Saw. Dunno, never saw that series, but I think it would be a win win for the rest fo us.

PS: Jonnny pointed out that I really liked the first part of the movie. by the First Part I mean the first 10 to 15 minutes which were actualy entertaining. Here’s my thought. None of this actually happened. SPOILER. Everything after Riggs gets tased was just a dream. The end of the movie is actually him just waking from being tased. There were never any aliens, and he CERtainly didn’t ever hook up with the admiral’s daughter who ma or may  not have had nice boobs (or been a porn star? Brookyln Decker? That’s totally a porn star name).

-Mr. Roboto

What did you think?  Let us know in the comments below!

One thought on “Drunken Review: Battleship

  1. I tell you, I was not planning on seeing this movie. But then they go and don’t let you know about the boobs! Fucking ludicrous!

    LOVE THIS POST!

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