I am writing this goddamn review. I have been trying to pick 47 Reviews back up for months now, and the admin page is a wasteland of half written reviews and broken dreams. But this one is happening. I didn’t make any Memorial Day plans, and now this is my penance. This is my destiny.
I went to go see the new G.I. Joe this morning in extravagant, eye-popping IMAX 3D glory, because if you’re gonna do something silly, you might as well go for broke. And to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t expecting much. It’s based on a insanely ridiculous cartoon from the 80s, and the first movie completely underwhelmed. Which I think is tough to do when your subject material is positively bursting with jet powered, laser blasting air tanks and larger-than-life American superheroes. So it’s exciting to announce that the sequel was actually a thrilling, edge of your seat, action blockbuster!*
From the first moment I laid eyes on the trailer for this movie, I was hooked. I would imagine many people had a similar reaction, a story pulling at emotional heart strings attached to such enjoyable and formative memories from childhood. I’m referring, of course, to video games. Every once in a while you feel like you belong to such a perfect demographic that it’s almost as though a movie was tailor made for you specifically. You swath yourself in the sartorial equivalent of a cinematic experience, enjoying each and every inside joke because you know the writers had your comedic measurements in mind when they wrote the thing. And that’s only part of the magic that “Wreck it Ralph” brings to the table.
I’ll be honest, I was going to see this movie no matter what. The premise was strong enough to hook me on its own merit. Joseph Gordon Levitt is an assassin who has to kill a time traveling version of himself played by Bruce Willis? I’ll take two tickets please: one for me, and one for my boner. But the best part about seeing this in the theater was the fact that this is actually a fantastic movie! Like I said, there is a strong draw based solely on the acting talent involved and a very cool concept, but as I was watching I found myself absolutely sucked into this world that writer/director Rian Johnson had created.
Well you can’t say we don’t ever try something new. Oh wait! That’s how the LAST drunken review started! Well… you can’t say we don’t ever try something new again. We had such a positive, overwhelming response to our last drunken review by Mr. Roboto that we practically begged him to come back and write another one. Why and how he agreed is another matter entirely. The “why” is that we bribed him with a lot of alcohol. The “how” is remarkably similar. The following is being presented to you in its pure, unadulterated, and edit-free composition. Enjoy!
Thlihaesli! lihlIHlHDBNkjd! AHDIAOCNZ<AS!!! Okay, sorry, sorry… I need to slow down my fingers. I’m running on a super geek high right now, and it’s taking all my powers of concentration (not inconsiderable) to remain in a seated position in front of the computer. I have a feeling that this review will be uncharacteristically short, but only because there’s only so much I want to say to you, dear readers, so as not to ruin anything you might see in the theater.
A few weeks ago, Ryan executed a call to arms, asking for everyone to submit their all time Top Ten Favorite Movies of all time list.* He did this in response to an actual publication that is in no way affiliated with this website, especially since our legal department received multiple cease and desist letters. Ryan took an interesting approach in evaluating what made the cut on his own Top Ten list. Apparently his thought process went like this:
Hugo was lauded as a grand, whimsical journey helmed by an accomplished, respected, and award-winning director (Martin Scorsese). “Audiences and critics agree, Hugo is the must-see movie of the year!” is something that I heard many, many times, especially when it was getting released on DVD. It swept up big time accolades from the film community for being a dazzling, cinematic accomplishment. And to be fair, it really is exactly that. Sort of. I mean it’s all those things, but it’s also a complete exercise in movie making self masturbation.