47 Reviews 100th Review: Black Dynamite

Everybody was kung fu fi- WATCH OUT HE’S GOT A GUN!

Ryan:

“Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only outmatched by your zest for kung-fu treachery!” 

What film could possibly be good enough to be the 100th review on 47 Reviews?  Black Dynamite, you know that’s right.  I was lucky enough to meet the man, the myth, the legend Jonny Green just under two years ago.  When we got together the geek orgy of movie love that erupted from us was so massive, Black Dynamite is the only man alive who could have possibly mastered it.

What was the film that cemented that friendship?  You have heard me make reference to it before.  More than once.  Black Dynamite.  We popped this movie in and did not stop laughing until probably two months later.  We seriously sent at least one text a day with the amazing quotes from this film.  Through Black Dynamite a bromance twas born.

Black Dynamite loved his brother like I love Jonny.  The film starts off with Black Dynamite’s brother getting killed.  Wanting to stay close with Jonny, I asked him to write for the site so that as long as his reviews kept coming I knew he wasn’t dead.

“Dammit, Ryan! I know I have an article deadline! I’ll get to it this afternoon!!”

Jonny:

“First Lady, I’m sorry I pimp-slapped you into that china cabinet. I used excessive force.” 

Wow.  100 reviews.  I mean, I always dreamed we’d get to this point, but I never actually expected it to happen.  With my crippling alcoholism and Ryan’s love of unprotected sex with Thai prostitutes, we just seemed destined for an early grave.  Singular.  See, Ryan and I bought a joint grave plot about a year ago in accordance with our final wishes to be buried big spoon/little spoon style.  But I digress.  Wow.  100 reviews…

Two years ago the planets aligned like a giant, cosmic boner and a beautiful friendship was forged twixt the fiery loins of two kindred spirits.  And how did Ryan and I celebrate the inception of such a powerful friendship?  The dawn of a new golden age bromance?  The birth of a love that would resonate through the ages?  We watched “Black Dynamite,” of course.  This movie uppercutted up through our balls and straight into our hearts.

In the immortal words of Delroy Lindo, “A brother’s love is… a brother’s love.”  And when Black Dynamite’s brother gets killed, Black Dynamite is spurred into action.  Who is Black Dynamite, you might ask?  Well Black Dynamite (Michael Jai White) is  the African-American action hero willing to stand up to the Man who’s been pumping heroine into the orphanages and flooding the hood with toxic malt liquor.  He’s not the hero that the city needs, but the hero that’s going to fuck some shit up…

Ryan:

It turns out that Black Dynamite’s brother was an undercover agent and he was gunned down by the same drug dealers he was trying to take down.  So Black Dynamite declares a war on drugs.

Jonny and I took another path.  We decided to give in to the basest of our cravings.  We EMBRACED our addiction and STROKED it every chance we got.  You see, Jonny and I are addicted… to movies.  I personally am horribly addicted to reading what Jonny writes.  You see, the man is like a Black Dynamite with words.  Basically, he makes them his bitches.  From his love of horror, to his hatred of crap, I love ogling every one.

Thankfully Black Dynamite is a better man than both of us combined and he wins the war on drugs rather swiftly (while also making sure the women are happy.)

Afroditey: I get off in fifteen minutes.
Black Dynamite: You right about that, sugar. You right about that.

One of the many women Black Dynamite “keeps happy.”

Jonny:

Oh, I guess Ryan put in that last picture.  I sort of thought we were switching off there, but I guess Ryan had his own plan.  I mean, it’s cool and all.  Just seems a little selfish to start hogging all the pictures for himself.  But whatever.  We are supposed to be partners, after all.  See one of the things I love most about Ryan is his enthusiasm.  It’s also one of the most annoying things.

Anyway, the thing you should know about “Black Dynamite” is that this is an unapologetic, no-holds-bar, blacksploitation parody chocked full of jive talkin’, pimp slappin’, larger than life caricatures.  This movie takes everything you love to hate about that genre from the 1970’s, and turns it into everything you love to love.  Michael Jai White, who you may remember as Gambol from “The Dark Knight” or Spawn from motherfucking “Spawn,” usually gets to flex his pecs and glutes on the silver screen.  This time around we get to see him flexing his comedy chops and they… are… glorious.  Oh, and did we mention he also wrote the script??

Here’s a picture of Ryan with what appears to be semen on his face.

Ryan:

Dammit Jonny!   I am a married man, and you out me on our own fucking site!  What am I going to tell my wife?  How do I explain this to my girlfriend?  Did you even think about how Cooper, Thor and Jonny would feel?  Well, I guess you don’t need to worry about what Jonny thinks.  DO YOU?!?

Alright, you want to play that way?  I can play that way.  Dear Reader, let me paint a picture for you:

This is how Jonny picks up “dates.”
This is what Jonny uses on his “dates.” (For clarification, think of this as one half gimp suit, one half “ultimate fisting experience.”)
This is how EVERY ONE of Jonny’s “dates” ends.

How do you like those pictures you bastard?!?

Also, Black Dynamite gets to go to Kung-Fu Island and the White House.  Black Dynamite is awesome.  Jonny Green can kiss my ass.

Jonny:

Ryan Lynch has all the sex appeal of a cold sore factory.  His idea of romance is when he lets the girl choose which redtube clip he’s gonna masturbate to that night.  Every time Ryan orgasms, a kitten throws itself in a garbage disposal because hope died a little bit.  Ryan is the person Casey Anthony has wet dreams about.  And it turns him on.  Which is weird, because usually Ryan can only get an erection when he’s thinking about ground up kittens.

BONER alert!

So anyway, I was watching “Black Dynamite” next to Ryan and his murder chubby. And when Ryan wasn’t distracting me by violently rubbing litter box sand on his genitals, I was absolutely loving this film.  It was hilariously action packed, had some of the best one-liners I’ve ever seen in a movie, and takes itself seriously about as often as Ryan tells his sexual partners he has super gonorrhea.  Don’t get us wrong: this movie was made to be bad.  But it is spectacularly, magnificently bad.  I literally laughed until my sides hurt, and that is hard to do while Ryan is cleaning off his oily discharge with a wet wipe.

Like this, but with more dick and infections.

Ryan:

No Jonny, No!  No one will ever sell me a kitten again.  Why Jonny, WHY?  All I want is just one kitten a week.  Is that so wrong?  Just one kitten.  You… bastard.  You sad, sad bastard.  What have you done to me?

I get it.  Black Dynamite had to deal with Kung-Fu treachery.  Now I have to deal with movie blog treachery.  Well let me tell you, one is far easier to deal with than the other.  Where Black Dynamite can just use Panther Fist against Kung-Fu treachery:

I have no such recourse.  Jonny, why?  Big spoon, why?  All I wanted to do was write about Black Dynamite and 47 Reviews 100th review milestone.  Now all I have left is nothing.  No wife, no girlfriend, no boyfriends and no kittens.  Your treachery knows no bounds Jonny Green.

Jonny:

You’re right, buddy.  We took something wonderful like “Black Dynamite” and turned it into something petty and cruel.  We stripped this review of all it’s beauty by turning it into a battle of depraved one-upsmanship.  Remember when we used to work together for the greater good of promoting movie awareness?  Well I say it’s time to get that back.  It’s time to cast aside the petty differences that have split us asunder, and enter into each other the way we used to!  I mean, be inside each other.  I mean, have sex.  Look… just see the movie.

Have you seen the movie?  What did you think about it?  Let us know in the comments below!

~Ryan Lynch and Jonny Green (together again)

One thought on “47 Reviews 100th Review: Black Dynamite

  1. Wow. That was epic. Definitely the first time a link to “super gonorrhea” and a kitten in a blender have been used in the same article. Googlewhack THAT.

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